An "I-statement" is a non-accusatory and non-defensive way of expressing ourselves. It begins with the word "I" and is used to describe personal feelings about a certain matter. Therapists and communication specialists often recommend utilizing "I-statements" as a means of effectively conveying our feelings without making the other person feel attacked or judged. For instance, instead of saying, "You're being annoying," it is suggested to say, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making." This approach ensures that the listener understands that the focus is on the speaker's feelings rather than blaming the listener.
While an "I-statement" may imply that changes need to happen, it is not used to create behavioral changes in others. Making our feelings known to ourselves and others (e.g., using I-statements) is about clarifying our own internal world and helping others understand us better. Communicating our feelings to other people is different from trying to change their behavior or convince them of our perspectives. An "I-statement" is not a demand; it is the beginning of a further dialogue.
Crafting an "I-statement" is challenging as it requires taking ownership of our feelings without expecting others to bear responsibility for them. It necessitates an understanding of the equal value of emotions in individuals. Meanwhile, making an "I-statement" is a profoundly intimate act, allowing us to be vulnerable with others. It requires a sense of safety and trust. It is also a mini exercise in democracy because it points toward more discussions and collaborations.
Crafting an "I-statement" may be particularly challenging for people who have experienced collective trauma – the oppression against the formation of the self and the sense of humanity. There can't be an "I-statement" without a sense of "I,” while the subjectivity of "I" is what's injured by collective trauma. Making an "I-statement" is about reclaiming the existence of "I" independently and unapologetically. The existence of “I” itself is sufficient and enough.
Hearing an "I-statement" from others may also be particularly stressful for people who have experienced collective trauma – the oppression that creates a fear-based mindset and an extremely low tolerance of difficult emotions. When difficult emotions are always perceived as a threat or problem that needs to be erased or fixed, “I-statement” instills a sense of urgency and shame. Being able to listen to other people's "I-statement" means honoring their emotions as it is, and engaging in discussions about the changes based on our mutual interest.
When we say, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making," we share a part of ourselves with the listener. When we hear, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making," we receive an opportunity to better understand the speaker. For both, it is an invitation to deeper conversations and connections. The "I-statement" brings us closer so we can work together to figure out the changes that may be needed.