Grieving at a distance is not uncommon. For many students, immigrants, migrant workers, and people who lost their loved ones to sudden unexpected death, the absence of physical closeness during the end of loved ones' lives could be painful. Certainly, the Covid-19 global pandemic also results in similar experiences of grieving and loss. We are not allowed to be with our loved ones or participate in rituals that bring comforts or spiritual meanings due to shelter-in-place, social distancing, and other public health measures. The loss of physical presence and rituals is palpable.
Not being physically present with loved ones who are dying or to witness their passing may leave us feeling anxious, angry, and guilty. We may wonder about the last moments of our loved ones and worried about their possible loneliness. We may put the blame or judgment on something (e.g., social distancing rules), someone (e.g., other family members), or ourselves. We may wish and imagine we could’ve done something else, something different to change the circumstance. Fear, anger, and guilt are all common and normal reactions when we face the death of loved ones. These emotions are uncomfortable and could be scary at first sight. It is important to process and metabolize painful feelings with people who are supportive, responsive, and reliable.
It might be challenging to find a source of solace when traditional rituals and physical togetherness are not accessible. One way to start the healing is to intentionally acknowledge the loss and the beginning of the grieving process. Forming meaningful narratives for both the loved ones and us helps ground the cognitive part of the brain. Engaging in creative alternatives to honor the loved ones and our relationship with them helps orient bodily sensations and emotional experiences. It is painful to notice multiple losses here: our loved ones, the opportunities to say goodbye, and the most intuitive ways to receive support.
Grieving from far away is hard because facing death and separation alone activates our ultimate fear, whether it's about our loved ones or ourselves. It is important to recognize how we would like to show up for others and for others to show up for us. It is also a time to see how we may show up for ourselves. Grief needs to be seen, so does our ability to love, care, and connect.