Solstice Soundscapes: Embracing Joy and Vitality Amidst Complex Trauma

In celebration of the summer solstice, I have curated a Spotify playlist—a special collection of music created especially for Asians and Asian Americans. Each artist is Asian-identified, honoring the beautiful diversity within our community. This isn't your typical meditation playlist; it's a journey through sounds that capture joy, desire, and vitality, all deeply rooted in the landscapes of contemporary Asian culture.

For those who have borne the weight of complex trauma, safety and peace can feel foreign, intimidating, and even triggering. Amidst the shadows of pain and the resilience of survival that many Asian and Asian American communities know too well, it is vital to reclaim our laughter and smiles as well as the moments of inspiration and aspiration. It is important to remember the warmth of a gaze or the sunlight.

It is also important to remember that Asian history is rich with traditions that celebrate vigor and vitality. Literature, art, and poetry from various Asian cultures exude a profound appreciation for the beauty of nature, interpersonal connections, and different emotions. These historical expressions whisper to us that yearning for pleasure is a fundamental part of our heritage, ever-present and waiting to be woven back into the fabric of our modern lives.

As the sunshine reaches its peak, let us ride on the spirit of the sun. Through this music, I invite you to reflect on the essence of being Asian in the here and now.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6HkjF7gRft6P9HjDq3Nmgz?si=46e7a78338744b71 

1. Summer Solace - Paella

2. Summer - Joe Hisaishi with London Symphony Orchestra

3. Indian Summer - Anoushka Shankar 

4. Summer Solstice - Sophia Thakur, Latir

5. Asturias - Youn Sun Nah

6. Hala lala laya - Aleen Masoud, Apo & the Apostles 

7. Late Summer Storm - Lullatone 

8. On the Summer Solstice - aspidistrafly 

9. Summer - Sanoli Chowdhury

10. Summer - Joe Hisaishi (This is a different version of Joe Hisaishi's "Summer." This one concludes the journey of the playlist better.)

Read more:
https://www.instagram.com/p/Ct9kr2fP5M_/?igsh=MWQ1ZGUxMzBkMA==

Exploring the Depths - The Impact of Parental Narcissistic Traits on Adult Children

Within the labyrinth of harm woven by parents with narcissistic traits, children often seek refuge in the veil of vagueness, shielding themselves from the piercing arrows of instability and emptiness. Vagueness becomes an infinity mirror, endlessly reflecting the harsh reality of being unseen by parents with narcissistic traits. In my opinion, vagueness represents one variation of the gray rock method, a coping mechanism against inevitable pain.

However, lurking within the shadows of vagueness are fears: the dread of being relegated to the periphery, the terror of solitude, and the burden of unwarranted culpability. The fear of being deprioritized, abandoned, or blamed engulfs the children's every interaction, casting a shadow over their sense of worth and belongingness. Fear and anxiety are the emotional burden of these children growing up. When being unseen becomes the essence of attachment, vagueness, as well as dissociation, manifest as the relational wounds of the adult children, whether with others or with themselves.

Amidst the cacophony, an incessant whisper of invisibility haunts the desire to be acknowledged by the unavailable parent due to their narcissistic traits. For adult children, this journey to form interpersonal intimacy is fraught with challenges, marked by a perpetual reluctance to accept, to embrace, or to receive any authenticity from others. The receptivity is never modeled or completed, and oftentimes it is unsafe. The ownership of the self, molded by the parent with narcissistic traits, remains a shape-shifting enigma, ever resistant to formation. The formation of self-ownership needs to be rooted in separating and grieving over the persistent echo, which reverberates the attachment of the unattached.

Thus, in this intricate dance of existence, the threads of the dilemma of attachment weave a tapestry of complexities, where vagueness becomes a fortress, fears cloak the path to self-discovery, receptivity hasn’t fully developed, and the structure of the self remains unattachable. These may be the deepest wounds of adult children —they never truly feel seen by the parent with narcissistic traits, by themselves, and perhaps they never feel embraced by reality.

Healing starts with drips of reality– a safe, responsive, and available reality.

The Inspiring Journey of Immigrant Parents - My observations and invitations

It may seem counterintuitive, but many immigrant parents do indeed aspire to adopt Western-style parenting practices when they move to a new country. Western parenting tends to emphasize the development of individual identity and autonomy. It allows and encourages children to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions openly. Parents tend to use praise and rewards to reinforce desirable behaviors and offer acceptance and problem-solving to help support children in making their own choices and decisions.

Many immigrant parents are eager to shield their children from the hardships they experience. Growing up, many immigrant parents often learn more about the values of obeying authority, enduring hardship without asking for help or questioning, and adhering to the singular correct answer as dictated by society. While those values could be adaptive in the home culture at some point, many immigrant parents often strive to give their children a new and enriching experience when they relocate to a different place.

At the intersection of the impact of generational and cultural trauma, the immigration process, and the role and responsibility of parenthood, immigrant parents are navigating uncharted territory where they don’t have many role models in the community. Immigrant parents may find themselves grappling with the everyday concepts of freedom, independence, and autonomy that differ from what they learned from textbooks or movies. The lack of familiarity with the cultural nuances and limited access to support and resources can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. For example, immigrant parents may have limited exposure to what it truly means (and why it is important) to develop personal interests that bring joy and fun. This can be attributed to the emphasis the upbringing placed on survival, practicality, and pragmatism. Consequently, facilitating their children to cultivate personal choices can feel apprehensive and daunting. It requires not only an understanding of personal agency but also a bottom-up bodily experience of joy and selfhood. Similarly, when it comes to dealing with disagreements with their children, many immigrant parents feel overwhelmed. Their upbringing might have presented them with only two approaches: obedience and conformity, or dismissiveness and abandonment. As a result, it can be unfamiliar for parents to lead a dialogue of different emotions and needs with each other, negotiate solutions, and navigate diversity and differences.

In light of this, I would like to offer a few ideas that I invite immigrant parents to consider on the parenting journey.

1. The best part of raising children is probably getting another opportunity to grow up again in the way you want. Let’s be curious about the self, including family history, emotional wounds, and potential influences on parenting approaches. Becoming more aware of the beliefs, values, perspectives, and behaviors will allow you to intentionally shape and refine them.

2. When confronted with children's errors, disagreements, conflicts, and difficult emotions, take a deliberate step back, or even momentarily pause. Slow the self down. Find ways to anchor the self first. Notice that the sense of urgency or anxiety usually comes from a memory or a trauma response.

3. It is challenging to raise children in a country different from one's place of origin. Immigrant parents are teaching their children to fish in unfamiliar waters. Acknowledge the courage and resilience within each of you. Recognize the strength and adaptability it takes to navigate the complexities of being an immigrant parent. 

It seems as though it was only yesterday when you were navigating uncharted territories and transitioning to a new society. Yet, here you stand, building a family and nurturing the next generation. Regardless of the path that brought you to this land, you have arrived. Let’s embrace grace and patience as you cultivate your roots and nurture new branches here.

Rethink “I-statement”

An "I-statement" is a non-accusatory and non-defensive way of expressing ourselves. It begins with the word "I" and is used to describe personal feelings about a certain matter. Therapists and communication specialists often recommend utilizing "I-statements" as a means of effectively conveying our feelings without making the other person feel attacked or judged. For instance, instead of saying, "You're being annoying," it is suggested to say, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making." This approach ensures that the listener understands that the focus is on the speaker's feelings rather than blaming the listener.

While an "I-statement" may imply that changes need to happen, it is not used to create behavioral changes in others. Making our feelings known to ourselves and others (e.g., using I-statements) is about clarifying our own internal world and helping others understand us better. Communicating our feelings to other people is different from trying to change their behavior or convince them of our perspectives. An "I-statement" is not a demand; it is the beginning of a further dialogue.

Crafting an "I-statement" is challenging as it requires taking ownership of our feelings without expecting others to bear responsibility for them. It necessitates an understanding of the equal value of emotions in individuals. Meanwhile, making an "I-statement" is a profoundly intimate act, allowing us to be vulnerable with others. It requires a sense of safety and trust. It is also a mini exercise in democracy because it points toward more discussions and collaborations.

Crafting an "I-statement" may be particularly challenging for people who have experienced collective trauma – the oppression against the formation of the self and the sense of humanity. There can't be an "I-statement" without a sense of "I,” while the subjectivity of "I" is what's injured by collective trauma. Making an "I-statement" is about reclaiming the existence of "I" independently and unapologetically. The existence of “I” itself is sufficient and enough.

Hearing an "I-statement" from others may also be particularly stressful for people who have experienced collective trauma – the oppression that creates a fear-based mindset and an extremely low tolerance of difficult emotions. When difficult emotions are always perceived as a threat or problem that needs to be erased or fixed, “I-statement” instills a sense of urgency and shame. Being able to listen to other people's "I-statement" means honoring their emotions as it is, and engaging in discussions about the changes based on our mutual interest.

When we say, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making," we share a part of ourselves with the listener. When we hear, "I feel annoyed by the sound you are making," we receive an opportunity to better understand the speaker. For both, it is an invitation to deeper conversations and connections. The "I-statement" brings us closer so we can work together to figure out the changes that may be needed.

Making the Most of Online Therapy During Covid-19

By Christine Chang, PhD & Snehal Kumar, PhD*

The impact of the pandemic has been very palpable. During this stressful time, we may realize we need support and also notice that there might be barriers and ambivalence to getting and maintaining professional help. For example, we might have concerns about using online therapy when we might be more comfortable with the idea of meeting a therapist in person. We might also have increased worries about finances that may make us want to “put off” therapy, especially if it’s in a format that may make us uncomfortable.

While some people like online therapy as much as or more than in-person therapy, many people understandably have reservations about it. It is important to notice our discomfort about online therapy. What great self-awareness! By exploring and addressing this discomfort, we could have an opportunity to learn what may bring us a greater sense of safety, understanding, connection, and healing while maintaining social distance. As psychologists, we would like you to get the support and care you need, especially during and after the global pandemic crisis. 

There are ways to make the most of your online therapy experience and to look for affordable care. Here are some suggestions that you could try, so that way you can take care of yourself even in these difficult circumstances. 

Negotiating Technology 

Talk with your therapist about the options they offer to help maintain care while practicing social distance. Video therapy has numerous benefits, such as non-verbal communication, a sense of closeness, and flexible hours and locations. For some people though, video therapy is not a convenient option because it requires devices (e.g., a computer, internet, a camera), software, and the account set-up process (e.g., passwords). For some people, a phone therapy session could be more straightforward. Using technology can bring up uncomfortableness and different emotions for different people. We encourage you to talk to your therapist because therapy is a space for your healing and growth. We can choose the medium that makes the most sense to our pace at the point. We don’t need to use new technology just because we have it.

Navigating Financial Safety 

During these times, you may be more concerned about your finances than usual. There might be ways for you to still get the care that fits your financial needs. For example, some therapists might offer a sliding scale or reduced fee slots, to new as well as existing clients. If you have insurance that covers mental health, it might be helpful to learn more about your coverage to help you make decisions - for example, some plans may cover a large percentage of your session costs even if your provider is not affiliated with their panel), while some plans may offer coverage only if you work with a provider on their panel. In addition, many training institutes and university mental health graduate programs offer lower-cost sessions. It can be helpful to consider the frequency of care, length of care, and your goals to help you budget for therapy. The pandemic crisis and shelter-in-place order urge us to take extra care of our health, and our mental health can help us make decisions that enhance our physical health and even our financial well-being. We encourage you to discuss your needs and options with therapists to see what might work for you.

Co-Creating Emotional Safety 

Safety is always the most fundamental element in therapy. Safety includes physical, emotional, relational, and even technological aspects. Some people gain a sense of safety from being together and present with each other and some people experience it from having more space and structures. In therapy, it is most effective to maintain and deepen the sense of safety through having clarity about expectations and strategies to help create the right kind of environment. 

It is important to have ongoing communication about how these expectations and strategies impact your experience in therapy. For example, in conversation with your therapist, you might realize you prefer phone sessions to video because it is easier to talk about your experience this way. As a way to create a helpful environment, you and your therapist may make a plan in case the call drops in the middle of the session (eg., texting your therapist to let them know, calling them back). Similarly, you might look for a private place to speak to your therapist before your session and pay attention to how you feel at different levels of privacy.

Honoring the Mental Commute

Sometimes therapy can be intense. Therefore, we need some time before entering the therapeutic work and after leaving it, just like the “old” commute time to the therapy office. 

Creating a “mental commute time” may help ground with our present. In the “old” days, whether it’s driving or being on a bus or subway, our commute forces us to be slightly more present than our laptops do. Changes in the visual horizons and physical movements allow us to recognize that we’re moving literally and figuratively, even when what comes up in a session is tough. That our past is a part of us, not all of us. A commute time also serves as a space of mindfulness to recalibrate from our work in therapy to what we need and want to do next. While you may not have a literal commute anymore, you could consider other strategies that might help, for example, going for a short walk or even looking out of your window.

We hope these suggestions help you in your journey towards growth and healing during this difficult time. The absence of in-person presence can be a loss to both the client and therapist, and it takes courage for us to receive and offer help using a new medium. We encourage you to share your concerns and worries about technology and how it may impact the therapy relationship and quality with your therapist because your input is so helpful in collaboratively crafting a meaningful experience for you.

*This article is co-authored by Snehal Kumar, PhD. She is a licensed psychologist practicing in NYC. She specializes in counselor training, self-worth, mindfulness, burnout, and diversity concerns. Visit her website at https://www.drsnehalkumar.com

Grief from afar

Grieving at a distance is not uncommon.  For many students, immigrants, migrant workers, and people who lost their loved ones to sudden unexpected death, the absence of physical closeness during the end of loved ones' lives could be painful. Certainly, the Covid-19 global pandemic also results in similar experiences of grieving and loss. We are not allowed to be with our loved ones or participate in rituals that bring comforts or spiritual meanings due to shelter-in-place, social distancing, and other public health measures. The loss of physical presence and rituals is palpable. 

Not being physically present with loved ones who are dying or to witness their passing may leave us feeling anxious, angry, and guilty. We may wonder about the last moments of our loved ones and worried about their possible loneliness. We may put the blame or judgment on something (e.g., social distancing rules), someone (e.g., other family members), or ourselves.  We may wish and imagine we could’ve done something else, something different to change the circumstance. Fear, anger, and guilt are all common and normal reactions when we face the death of loved ones. These emotions are uncomfortable and could be scary at first sight. It is important to process and metabolize painful feelings with people who are supportive, responsive, and reliable. 

It might be challenging to find a source of solace when traditional rituals and physical togetherness are not accessible. One way to start the healing is to intentionally acknowledge the loss and the beginning of the grieving process. Forming meaningful narratives for both the loved ones and us helps ground the cognitive part of the brain. Engaging in creative alternatives to honor the loved ones and our relationship with them helps orient bodily sensations and emotional experiences.  It is painful to notice multiple losses here: our loved ones, the opportunities to say goodbye, and the most intuitive ways to receive support. 

Grieving from far away is hard because facing death and separation alone activates our ultimate fear, whether it's about our loved ones or ourselves. It is important to recognize how we would like to show up for others and for others to show up for us. It is also a time to see how we may show up for ourselves. Grief needs to be seen, so does our ability to love, care, and connect. 

Our Collective Grief

The COVID-19 pandemic forces all of us to face unique challenges that lead to difficult emotions. These emotions could be shock, confusion, anxiety, disorientation, frustration, disappointment, and guilt. Among the emotional experiences, grief is often overlooked and denied because it could be overwhelming to a lot of us. Grief is the response to a loss. Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, we are experiencing a collective loss. We lost a sense of normalcy. Our physical beings are assigned new roles, tasks, locations, and positions. Our psychological beings are asked to show up or not to show up in a way that’s not familiar. We lost the world we knew. Below are some thoughts of how we may go through the grieving process together. 

Name the loss. Name it as grief.
We lost our routines. We lost a sense of familiarity, stability, and safety. We lost the ways we knew how to connect with each other and how to set boundaries. We lost our usual coping. This is a collective loss. We are grieving together.

Grief needs to be witnessed.
Grief can’t be solved. Grief needs to be seen. It can be seen by eyes, by the body sensations, by emotional expressions, or even by our imagination. In the time of the pandemic, we are all in this together and we are all impacted. I see your grief, and my grief needs to be seen. We witness each other’s grief.

Don’t judge each other’s grief. Don’t compare suffering.  
The judgment doesn’t help in grieving because it provokes shame and demands punishment. Neither shame nor blame brings back what we lost.

There is no short-cut to bypass the painful emotions.
Emotions are real. That means emotions have a start and an end. Let it run its course. When it became so unbearable, we may learn ways to manage it at the moment. 

Find gratitude in what we do about the loss. Find it in what we do after the loss.
Loss happened. Loss is not a lesson or a blessing in disguise. We don’t try to find meaning in loss. We find meaning in us.  We don’t find meaning in trauma. We find meaning in resilience. 

Know the stages of grief and loss to describe, not prescribe.  
The five stages of grief and loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) provide a framework for us to understand ourselves. Note that grieving is not a linear process. 

References and Resources

That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=hbr&utm_medium=social

David Kessler and Brené on Grief and Finding Meaning. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/

Kübler-Ross E (1969). On Death and Dying. Routledge. https://books.google.com/books/about/On_Death_and_Dying.html?id=X2MskIklkqIC

Kessler, David ( 2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Simon and Schuster. https://books.google.com/books?id=H920DwAAQBAJ