Within the labyrinth of harm woven by parents with narcissistic traits, children often seek refuge in the veil of vagueness, shielding themselves from the piercing arrows of instability and emptiness. Vagueness becomes an infinity mirror, endlessly reflecting the harsh reality of being unseen by parents with narcissistic traits. In my opinion, vagueness represents one variation of the gray rock method, a coping mechanism against inevitable pain.
However, lurking within the shadows of vagueness are fears: the dread of being relegated to the periphery, the terror of solitude, and the burden of unwarranted culpability. The fear of being deprioritized, abandoned, or blamed engulfs the children's every interaction, casting a shadow over their sense of worth and belongingness. Fear and anxiety are the emotional burden of these children growing up. When being unseen becomes the essence of attachment, vagueness, as well as dissociation, manifest as the relational wounds of the adult children, whether with others or with themselves.
Amidst the cacophony, an incessant whisper of invisibility haunts the desire to be acknowledged by the unavailable parent due to their narcissistic traits. For adult children, this journey to form interpersonal intimacy is fraught with challenges, marked by a perpetual reluctance to accept, to embrace, or to receive any authenticity from others. The receptivity is never modeled or completed, and oftentimes it is unsafe. The ownership of the self, molded by the parent with narcissistic traits, remains a shape-shifting enigma, ever resistant to formation. The formation of self-ownership needs to be rooted in separating and grieving over the persistent echo, which reverberates the attachment of the unattached.
Thus, in this intricate dance of existence, the threads of the dilemma of attachment weave a tapestry of complexities, where vagueness becomes a fortress, fears cloak the path to self-discovery, receptivity hasn’t fully developed, and the structure of the self remains unattachable. These may be the deepest wounds of adult children —they never truly feel seen by the parent with narcissistic traits, by themselves, and perhaps they never feel embraced by reality.
Healing starts with drips of reality– a safe, responsive, and available reality.