Grief from afar

Grieving at a distance is not uncommon.  For many students, immigrants, migrant workers, and people who lost their loved ones to sudden unexpected death, the absence of physical closeness during the end of loved ones' lives could be painful. Certainly, the Covid-19 global pandemic also results in similar experiences of grieving and loss. We are not allowed to be with our loved ones or participate in rituals that bring comforts or spiritual meanings due to shelter-in-place, social distancing, and other public health measures. The loss of physical presence and rituals is palpable. 

Not being physically present with loved ones who are dying or to witness their passing may leave us feeling anxious, angry, and guilty. We may wonder about the last moments of our loved ones and worried about their possible loneliness. We may put the blame or judgment on something (e.g., social distancing rules), someone (e.g., other family members), or ourselves.  We may wish and imagine we could’ve done something else, something different to change the circumstance. Fear, anger, and guilt are all common and normal reactions when we face the death of loved ones. These emotions are uncomfortable and could be scary at first sight. It is important to process and metabolize painful feelings with people who are supportive, responsive, and reliable. 

It might be challenging to find a source of solace when traditional rituals and physical togetherness are not accessible. One way to start the healing is to intentionally acknowledge the loss and the beginning of the grieving process. Forming meaningful narratives for both the loved ones and us helps ground the cognitive part of the brain. Engaging in creative alternatives to honor the loved ones and our relationship with them helps orient bodily sensations and emotional experiences.  It is painful to notice multiple losses here: our loved ones, the opportunities to say goodbye, and the most intuitive ways to receive support. 

Grieving from far away is hard because facing death and separation alone activates our ultimate fear, whether it's about our loved ones or ourselves. It is important to recognize how we would like to show up for others and for others to show up for us. It is also a time to see how we may show up for ourselves. Grief needs to be seen, so does our ability to love, care, and connect. 

Our Collective Grief

The COVID-19 pandemic forces all of us to face unique challenges that lead to difficult emotions. These emotions could be shock, confusion, anxiety, disorientation, frustration, disappointment, and guilt. Among the emotional experiences, grief is often overlooked and denied because it could be overwhelming to a lot of us. Grief is the response to a loss. Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, we are experiencing a collective loss. We lost a sense of normalcy. Our physical beings are assigned new roles, tasks, locations, and positions. Our psychological beings are asked to show up or not to show up in a way that’s not familiar. We lost the world we knew. Below are some thoughts of how we may go through the grieving process together. 

Name the loss. Name it as grief.
We lost our routines. We lost a sense of familiarity, stability, and safety. We lost the ways we knew how to connect with each other and how to set boundaries. We lost our usual coping. This is a collective loss. We are grieving together.

Grief needs to be witnessed.
Grief can’t be solved. Grief needs to be seen. It can be seen by eyes, by the body sensations, by emotional expressions, or even by our imagination. In the time of the pandemic, we are all in this together and we are all impacted. I see your grief, and my grief needs to be seen. We witness each other’s grief.

Don’t judge each other’s grief. Don’t compare suffering.  
The judgment doesn’t help in grieving because it provokes shame and demands punishment. Neither shame nor blame brings back what we lost.

There is no short-cut to bypass the painful emotions.
Emotions are real. That means emotions have a start and an end. Let it run its course. When it became so unbearable, we may learn ways to manage it at the moment. 

Find gratitude in what we do about the loss. Find it in what we do after the loss.
Loss happened. Loss is not a lesson or a blessing in disguise. We don’t try to find meaning in loss. We find meaning in us.  We don’t find meaning in trauma. We find meaning in resilience. 

Know the stages of grief and loss to describe, not prescribe.  
The five stages of grief and loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) provide a framework for us to understand ourselves. Note that grieving is not a linear process. 

References and Resources

That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=hbr&utm_medium=social

David Kessler and Brené on Grief and Finding Meaning. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/

Kübler-Ross E (1969). On Death and Dying. Routledge. https://books.google.com/books/about/On_Death_and_Dying.html?id=X2MskIklkqIC

Kessler, David ( 2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Simon and Schuster. https://books.google.com/books?id=H920DwAAQBAJ