It may seem counterintuitive, but many immigrant parents do indeed aspire to adopt Western-style parenting practices when they move to a new country. Western parenting tends to emphasize the development of individual identity and autonomy. It allows and encourages children to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions openly. Parents tend to use praise and rewards to reinforce desirable behaviors and offer acceptance and problem-solving to help support children in making their own choices and decisions.
Many immigrant parents are eager to shield their children from the hardships they experience. Growing up, many immigrant parents often learn more about the values of obeying authority, enduring hardship without asking for help or questioning, and adhering to the singular correct answer as dictated by society. While those values could be adaptive in the home culture at some point, many immigrant parents often strive to give their children a new and enriching experience when they relocate to a different place.
At the intersection of the impact of generational and cultural trauma, the immigration process, and the role and responsibility of parenthood, immigrant parents are navigating uncharted territory where they don’t have many role models in the community. Immigrant parents may find themselves grappling with the everyday concepts of freedom, independence, and autonomy that differ from what they learned from textbooks or movies. The lack of familiarity with the cultural nuances and limited access to support and resources can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. For example, immigrant parents may have limited exposure to what it truly means (and why it is important) to develop personal interests that bring joy and fun. This can be attributed to the emphasis the upbringing placed on survival, practicality, and pragmatism. Consequently, facilitating their children to cultivate personal choices can feel apprehensive and daunting. It requires not only an understanding of personal agency but also a bottom-up bodily experience of joy and selfhood. Similarly, when it comes to dealing with disagreements with their children, many immigrant parents feel overwhelmed. Their upbringing might have presented them with only two approaches: obedience and conformity, or dismissiveness and abandonment. As a result, it can be unfamiliar for parents to lead a dialogue of different emotions and needs with each other, negotiate solutions, and navigate diversity and differences.
In light of this, I would like to offer a few ideas that I invite immigrant parents to consider on the parenting journey.
The best part of raising children is probably getting another opportunity to grow up again in the way you want. Let’s be curious about the self, including family history, emotional wounds, and potential influences on parenting approaches. Becoming more aware of the beliefs, values, perspectives, and behaviors will allow you to intentionally shape and refine them.
When confronted with children's errors, disagreements, conflicts, and difficult emotions, take a deliberate step back, or even momentarily pause. Slow the self down. Find ways to anchor the self first. Notice that the sense of urgency or anxiety usually comes from a memory or a trauma response.
It is challenging to raise children in a country different from one's place of origin. Immigrant parents are teaching their children to fish in unfamiliar waters. Acknowledge the courage and resilience within each of you. Recognize the strength and adaptability it takes to navigate the complexities of being an immigrant parent.
It seems as though it was only yesterday when you were navigating uncharted territories and transitioning to a new society. Yet, here you stand, building a family and nurturing the next generation. Regardless of the path that brought you to this land, you have arrived. Let’s embrace grace and patience as you cultivate your roots and nurture new branches here.